Being brave...

I've always had a fear of setting goals for myself, and no more so than in any environment that could vaguely come under the heading of "sporty" - at school being shorter than average, bookish and with no great turn of speed I got accustomed to being among the last to be chosen for almost anything that involved teams. Indeed the only two sports I excelled at in school were hockey (surprisingly) and long-jump (even more surprisingly) - I represented the school at a minor level in both of those. The mention of netball or rounders sent shivers down my spine though, and cross country running was always one to be dreaded as not only did I tend to get left behind but I got out of breath too - there were no programmes to build up slowly back then - it was keep up or don't - and I didn't.  No great surprise that I stopped doing any kind of organised sport with a huge sigh of relief as soon as I left school and aside from brief periods of going to the gym, it's only in the past couple of years that I've felt any real inclination to have another go at being a "sporty person".

Accustomed as I was - in my head at least - to failing at anything "active" it came as no surprise when I first attempted the Couch to 5k programme and couldn't do it. It just felt as though it underlined my long-standing aversion to setting proper, solid goals - I wouldn't achieve so there was no point in trying, I'd just make a fool of myself. This time round though something was different - and the nagging voice in my head kept on at me to have another go. Each time when I started I took a deep breath and thought that maybe, just maybe if I could get through the programme I could do a parkrun "or something" - and then each time I failed I kicked myself AGAIN for being gullible - for being brave enough to stick my neck out. Of course I now know why I was struggling so much in the first place! In February I did my first 5k "race" and last week I did another - knocking a massive amount off my previous 29:36 time on the same course, coming in this time at 27:47! (Yes, remember those sub-30 people I "wasn't fast enough" to line up with? Now I'm one of them! I've also been doing regular Metafit classes - after years of running a mile at the idea of doing any form of group fitness this was another huge barrier broken down.

I recently photographed a friend's baby's christening - which also took a degree of "being brave" -  I'd be the first to say I'm no event or portrait photographer - it's a long old way outside my comfort zone and I hesitated like mad when my friend asked me. Not because I didn't want to do it, but because I was frightened of messing up, frightened of letting him down and frightened to take the risk. As I said to him while I was hesitating "I'm trying to work out if I'm brave enough" - back came the reply with absolute confidence "of course you are!" - and yes, I was, mostly because of the pure sense of belief HE had in me. I probably only have two friends who I would even contemplate taking on something so important for - and I've now shot the wedding for one of them and this christening for the other - and in both cases it was their absolute faith in me that gave me enough confidence to take a deep breath and say "OK then!" Two people, both of who's judgement I trust - if they reckon I can do something, they must be right, yes? Another huge first at the christening was that I said to MrEH (Who was using the second camera to pick up on extra shots I might not see or be able to get) that I didn't mind if he got me in any photos - now bearing in mind my aversion for having my photo taken this was also a massive thing. In the past with anything like this he's had to be careful to shoot around me and I've been constantly conscious of the other camera. This was definitely "being brave..."

Yesterday I posted this on Instagram...

...for a long while I've been admiring other people's Transformation posts - being super inspired by how well they've done and what they've achieved, but it was only as a result of a comment from someone else that I finally felt brave enough to post my own - and only then as a result of the prompting from the photo on the right - taken by one of the official photographers at the 5k last week. Taking the step of posting the two pictures also made me brave enough to go into a little more detail about my state back in 2015, when the left hand photo was taken. Having been hit out of nowhere with crippling anxiety and struggling significantly with depression as well - and no real idea how to handle either - the holiday that this photo was taken on, along with our trip the Hebrides a few weeks before between them I am certain saved me from sliding fully into a deep black hole. Spending time both alone and with MrEH in the Hebrides, and with him and other friends on this trip to Lundy forced me out of the repetitive cycle I'd found myself in and on return home I managed to pin down both the cause and a way of working through things, and claw my way out. I'm not "cured" - it's not that easy, but I have coping strategies, and the knowledge to see when things are becoming problematic and deal with them early on. The most valuable thing I read when I got the diagnosis was "You're not going mad - even if you think you are" - I cried with relief at that one. Add to that having been able to take up regular exercise which has itself been superb for my mental health, it's also had effects physically as well of course - I'm finally back to a size that is entirely more natural for me and, as I said in the text above, that means getting back to feeling more comfortable with myself all round.  Previously "wanting to lose weight" was back there with the "setting goals" thing - set an over-ambitious goal > fail to meet it > give up > not bother trying again as "I'd only fail". This time round there were no goals beyond "do a bit more than I did yesterday/last week/last month" and that worked for me. I'm a long way from being "confident" still - but I'm on my way there, hopefully.

There's more bravery to come I'm sure - but now I really AM brave enough to face the idea and set goals - yes, proper ones - to achieve the things I want to, and indeed to admit that there are things I want to achieve too. Covering both the "not being sporty" and the "group exercise" thing I'm joining in with a running group for a run after work tomorrow (weather permitting, but the forecast looks good!) and actually looking forward to covering 6.5 - 7k with other people - none of whom I have even met before! MrEH and I are starting to make steps towards our long-term dreams, and I'm starting to think about stepping up my running distance towards doing a 10k later in the year too. It's actually starting to feel like those targets for the year that I set myself are taking off - I'm pushing myself outside my comfort zone and I'm definitely doing it with a smile on my face!

Robyn

Ticking things off...

...yes, THIS early in the year!

You might remember from a few posts back that I summed up my aims for this year in three phrases:
~ See what I can achieve
~ Challenge myself
~ Suprise myself

You might also remember that at the tail end of last year I started working through the Couch to 5K programme, and that buried in my list of things I wanted to work on this year was "Run a parkrun"? well this morning I decided to double-up those two things AND deal with today's #EED0118 effort by making my final C25K run of the programme our local parkrun. Now before I go any further, I should say that several folk had said to me "don't for goodness sake do Harlow for your first one - it's a devil of a course!" - it's held in our Town Park which is absolutely gorgeous but VERY hilly - and so far I've done almost nothing with hills...so I've spent the last few weeks wandering through the parkrun pages on t'interweb for the surrounding area and debating which one to do. Settled on one in a town slightly south of here - then realised that it meant faffing about with paying to park. Looked at another one a few miles west but don't really know the area...and eventually just thought "How bad can it be?"and decided to do Harlow anyway. Walked across with MrEH (there for moral support - not running!), nearly bottled out when I first got there as there were PROPER RUNNERS there and I was terrified and wondered what on earth I was thinking. MrEH reminded me that I KNEW there would be people slower than me, that I knew I could do the distance, and that if I needed to walk I knew there was no shame in that - except of course I'd decided to tie it up with that final C25K run hadn't I which meant NO WALKING!

Newcomers briefing was called and instantly set my mind at rest as it was so friendly and I liked the fact that it wasn't just first timers gathered together but regular parkrunners who were at Harlow for the first time ("Tourists" in parkrun language) although I was a bit freaked to see two "London Marathon" running jackets among the group - eek! The main briefing was made rather tricky to hear by some folk around me who obviously decided that as they'd heard it all before it was fine to talk right through it but I managed to grab the salient points from it thankfully, then we gathered at the start and suddenly the people in front were starting to run and we were off! Running with other people for the first time was odd - I was terribly conscious of not wanting to get in people's way and so I'd set myself up right towards the back, but in fact I could have gone quite a bit further forwards with no issue. I was also terribly conscious of not being drawn into going off too quickly which of course inevitably lead to me going off slower than I needed to instead - a couple of minutes in I realised I was going slower than my usual pace and picked it up a bit. The run is 2 x 2k laps followed by one partial lap of 1k to finish, undulating up and down all the way - and about two thirds of the way round the 2k lap is what will now be known as #ThatHill - I'm familiar with it as we puff our way up it every time we walk back from the station to home. In other words - it feels steep when you just walk up it. It was as we approached it for the first time that I realised that it looked like it was part of the course...but no, hang on....oh hell it is! It was also exceptionally muddy which REALLY didn't help - I slogged up it, feet slipping and sliding all over the shop, and finally reached the top absolutely gasping for breath - thankfully from the top the course levels out a bit allowing you time to catch your breath before a short downhill takes you back to the beginning of lap 2. Needless to say I ran the whole of lap 2 positively DREADING the wretched hill! Second time round at least I knew what it was like - not entirely sure that helped but I was at least prepared for the worst of the mud and knowing I didn't have to do it again I was able to power myself up it a bit more effectively as I was less concerned about not having enough left in my legs & lungs to finish!  The short lap to finish proved pretty much no problem at all and I was well able for a sprint (downhill - bless them!) to the finish. Oh the feeling as you cross the line that first time - just amazing!

My time for that first one was under 32 minutes - which for a hilly course I'm really pleased with. (My own Strava timing knocked a few seconds off that as I only clicked start when I actually started running) Had I properly grasped where the final short lap took me I could have kicked on a bit more for that too. I now know that I definitely need to build some hills into my running - and I'd like to start doing some speed work too to see how I get on with upping my pace a bit. Was I right to do that one as a first parkrun effort? Honestly probably yes - had I not then I would have avoided it for a long while I suspect and it would have turned into a "Big Thing" so in spite of #ThatHill I'm glad I did it! (There's also a degree of kudos in having a hilly home course apparently, and as someone else pointed out it means everywhere that's not hilly feels far easier!). Do I want to do it again? Yes! No question about it - I can see why folk say it's addictive as I just want to beat that time now. I'd like to have a go at some otherparkruns too - maybe when we're away places. I'd like to run a "proper" 5k as well - and am eyeing up the idea of a run at the Olympic Park at the moment as that's such a special venue it would be amazing to do a run there! For all those assuming that I want to go on to 10k distance though - no, certainly not at the moment anyway and honestly, probably not at all. For me wanting to run was in part laziness - it's a mighty good way of burning off some calories in a short space of time, and in part because it was something I'd always thought I couldn't do - and that had started to annoy me. I've got no great burning ambition to run any great distances although I would now like to see how fast I can get over 5k - that idea quite grabs me. The very idea that I can run 3 miles without stopping to walk is more than enough for me, though! (Although earning a blingy medal or two is right up there now!)

Robyn

Bring on 2018!

At the beginning of last year I said that as usual, I wasn't going to make any "New Year's Resolutions" but instead I came up with a list of things I wanted to try to change about my life over the course of the year. What followed was unquestionably the year in which I have made the most changes to my life, and indeed myself, ever. I've made new habits and broken old ones. Got fitter. Shed somewhere around 4st in weight and dropped several dress sizes. Streamlined my friendships and learned to share my time with people who I know genuinely like me for me, not for what I can get them. Learned to be more cautious about people.

- I set myself a goal to do at least 5,000 steps a day - it's now rare that I don't exceed 10k - but when I don't, I don't, it's no big deal.
- I wanted to change the way I was eating - I have, with the results detailed above.
- We planned to continue with works to the flat - and the last year has seen us gain a fabulous new kitchen, and a whole set of new windows and doors!
- We aimed to continue putting aside a good amount into our savings accounts and we've done so - that pot will continue to pay for improvements to the flat still needed, and to build ready for a future Hebrides property purchase.
- I wanted to have paid off at least £700 from my 0% card by the end of the year - and ended up with a figure of £703 paid off, a massive chunk of which was funded by doing surveys, and earning cashback on things I would have bought anyway.
-...and to have paid off that amount without dipping into savings to do so - not a penny of the money that was stashed aside to pay for the items has been touched to make payments to the card.
- I planned to upgrade my long lens this winter - it got done slightly earlier at the end of August as I had saved the money to do so.

There were a number of others things as well - some of which have been tackled already and others will continue to be a work in progress for a while longer. I'm in many ways a very different person to the one I was when I set my goals at the start of 2017 - I'm certainly a fitter, stronger one. And I've discovered I like that feeling of being stronger, of being an active person. I've learned that I can run, and that I can be brave enough to go back to the gym.

So it's now time to think about a whole new set of goals for a new year - and I really feel ready for some challenges too. I've summarised this online already as I really find the accountability of throwing things out there publicly works to keep me determined.

Personal/Health & Fitness:
- I will aim to keep up a good level of activity, with no fewer that 6,000 steps in a day
- Continue with eating well, using the FitBit to log foods some days to keep on track.
- Exercise at least 3 x per week - more is fine. Gym, running, swimming, circuits, HIIT Sessions - all good.
- Stretching is good and helps facilitate the exercise. Ideally a full stretching session at least once per week and mini sessions scattered through as well.
- Continue using my Bullet-ish journal to help with planning and general organisation
- Do Parkrun - either our local one or another, it doesn 't matter which, just DO IT!
- Visit the local climbing wall for a session.

Home: We want to continue with the works on the flat, initially to make it a lovely place for us to live, but also to add value.
- Hallway to be refloored/redecorated
- Plastering to be done in the front room and bedroom
- Electrical works to be done over the first third of the year
- Decluttering at a low level - focus on seeing items within the house that we don't use
- New coffee table for front room - this is a quality of life thing. 

Financial:
- Joint savings to continue as they are
- I will keep a good eye on interest rates and make the most of any access we have to higher interest savings
- 0% card must be cleared by the end of October, and again as far as possible this needs to be done without touching savings.
- keep the extra savings ticking over to ensure that our Lundy trip in the spring doesn't have to be paid for from savings.
- Refocus on the small stuff - the odd frittering, and the impulse spends that have started to creep in a little.
- "Frugal February" to assist with the refocusing on the small stuff.

General/Random:
- Continue to work on gaining confidence in friendships
- Learn to be more tolerant without letting myself be used, and a little more patient without taking unnecessary amounts of sh*t!
- "Let it go" and "This too shall pass"
- Stop and think before acting
- Try not to feel hurt or upset when other people behave unpleasantly or unkindly - I can't control their behaviour, I can control my reaction to it.
- Be conscious and mindful. Think about the choices I have, and those I make going forwards
- Tidy up laptop in readiness for the new Airshow Season.
- Continue with volunteering stuff
- Try to tick a couple more items off our big "We want to..." list.

My intention is to pick out a single item to make a main goal each month when I've realistically got the time to focus on it, as well as working on progress on other items throughout. January is "Exercise Every Day in January" - as I wanted to kick-start my year on that front with really keeping up the habit of being active. Several friends have signed up to a Run Every Day challenge for the month, mine is simply to do "something" whether it is a run, the gym, a swim, or some form of exercise session at home. I want to start the year with a real focus on ditching the excuses and not finding reasons to NOT do things, as this is still somewhere that I fall down. If nothing else I can go and run my "standard" circuit which is a mile and a half - and can be done inside the 15 minutes that as previously established, we can do anything for! 

The one thing that's NOT on the above list of course is "Blog regularly" which I suspect has been on my year-list every single year in recent times, and I've always failed with it. This doesn't mean that I don't want to do this, just that I've decided to let go making a "thing" of it. Perhaps that will work better than a more stated intention on this one? We'll see!

Robyn

This Girl Can...

I posted previously about the "year to change a life" thing - and it was writing that post which prompted me to realise that a lot of the changes I've been making and feeling the effects of were about changes in mindset, as much as anything else. It's so easy to make excuses as to why you "can't" do things - and one excuse can readily lead to another. "I can't run because my knees are bad"  > "I can't exercise because I can't run" > "I can't get fitter because I can't exercise". When you start to take a long hard look at yourself, and challenge those thought patterns though, suddenly things start to get achievable.

I've referred here before to people saying things like "Oh you're really lucky!" when what they actually mean is "Oh you've worked really hard to make that happen" - and I guess that sort of links in to the excuses thing - it's a lot easier to assume that things have just fallen into someone's lap, than to think how they might have achieved things, as that leads to the realisation that perhaps YOU could make things happen, too, and a lot of people simply aren't comfortable to challenge themselves like that. I confess that it certainly made me feel a bit uncomfortable!

My "Big Thing" as I think I mentioned before, was running. I realised early on that it would be a great and above all cheap and easy way of getting some exercise, but first I needed to get to the point where I could try it. Walking a lot was the first step, and by the spring I felt I was ready to step things up - on grass first (see "knees" above) to make it lower impact. I made a start by using the same Couch to 5 K programme that a friend recommended - I knew she'd had great results with it. Week 1 starts with interspersing 1 minute of running with 90 seconds of walking, repeated. Sounds easy, hmm? To my humiliation I discovered I couldn't do it - just that 60 seconds was too much, and when I could achieve it, it left me literally gasping for air. I repeated the week still to no avail - if anything it was worse, and yes, I admit it, I gave up - an excuse offered itself "we're going on holiday, it won't be practical to try to do that while we're away" and that was that for a while. For some reason though, it bugged me - I still can't work out what it was that made it get lodged in my head - and I wasn't happy that it had beaten me, so a few months later I decided to have a second attempt. I'd been keeping up regular exercise - lots of walking plus circuit training stuff and similar - so I knew I should stand a better chance at it. If anything, it was worse - I simply couldn't manage it, and had NO idea why. Everyone said "Keep at it, it will get easier!" which made absolute sense - but in my case that just didn't seem to be the case, culminating in a week in October when I struggled to run for 60 seconds even on the treadmill...

Of course that week was the one before I ended up in hospital, suddenly everything became rather obvious! Severe anaemia means that your muscles - including the heart - simply aren't getting the oxygen they need to function, which explains why I was suffering with my legs feeling absolutely exhausted, struggling for breath and generally feeling unable to do the things that I felt I ought to be able to!  When I mentioned at the hospital that I'd been going to the gym and running, there was universal astonishment - apparently I simply shouldn't have been able to do any of those things, and it's only the higher level of fitness I'd reached in spite of everything that saved me from doing myself some serious damage. *Gulp*.

So, fast forward a few weeks and suddenly I've realised - I don't WANT to make excuses any more. I started back on C25K the week after I left hospital, starting on week 2 as I felt confident that I could do week 1 - I've now on week 4 which includes 5 minutes of running at a time, and I'm coping well. I may well get to the point that I have to repeat a day here and there, but that's fine. Setbacks now (Like the final run of week 3 being REALLY tough because I'd tried exercising 3 days on the trot without a rest day!) aren't phasing me. Above all I'm enjoying it - enjoying that feeling of challenging myself, and discovering that my body can do things I didn't think it could. I'm getting a buzz from being able to run that little bit further, or finishing a stretch of running to find that actually, I'm barely even out of breath. I can run - who knew?! Someone said to me last week "It's amazing how fast you can train your body to run" and they're absolutely right!

(Thanks to Jenni at Snippets of a Life for introducing me to that quote!)

If I can do this, then without question, anyone can. I'm starting to think of new challenges too - first it's to finish the C25K programme, and I want to do our local parkrun, and to do some running in the Hebrides too. For me the key was to stop thinking of the things I couldn't do and work with what I could. Running too high impact to start with? So walk. Walking too far hurts? Mix in some static bike work. When I started with the fitness stuff I couldn't even do a single full press-up - my arms just weren't strong enough, so I started with "box press-ups"on hands and knees and worked up from there. This week in the gym I did 30 seconds of full press-ups. It's taken me nearly a year to get to that point though - and giving up would have been by far the easier option.

Go on - challenge yourself - I dare you. If "This Girl Can..." then so can you!

Robyn.