This week...

 

...has been fairly emotionally heavy. The unfolding news about Sarah Everard since her disappearance last week, culminating in the awful news that remains were found that have been confirmed to prove that she was murdered. The arrest of a serving Metropolitan Police officer in connection with first her disappearance and subsequently her murder**. The standard reaction of countless men, lower lips hanging petulantly out, reminding us that “#NotAllMen”... 

For the majority of my 40-something (c’mon - a girl has to have SOME secrets!) years, I’ve lived with the usual warnings that women simply accept. Don’t walk alone at night. Don’t wear the wrong clothes. Don’t walk in really secluded places. Tell someone where you’re going, tell someone when you get home. I’ve altered my hair to make it less grabbable from behind, I’ve changed shoes to some I can run in, should I need to. I’ve walked home with my keys clutched between two fingers “just in case”. I’ve switched to listening to podcasts when running or walking because it means I can hear more of the sounds around me. I’ve doubled back on myself when walking in the dark, and got around a corner and run full tilt until my lungs have said enough, and sped up because I’ve heard the footsteps behind me doing the same... If you’re a man, reading this, pretty much all of your female friends and relatives have done all or most of here things at some stage. Does that surprise you? Shock you? I bloody hope so - because if you consider that to be nothing to be shocked about, you can leave, right now, and never come back. (And give your head a wobble - we’re talking about pretty much EVERY woman being scared, and it’s entirely down to the behaviour of some men.) 

Sarah Everard was walking home. Simply walking from one location, to another. It was a walk she’d likely done before. She did all the “right things” - bright clothing, a well lit route...the things we’re reminded, as women, that we “need to do” for our own safety. Our own safety from men. If you’re a man, reading this, I hope that makes you ashamed. I hope that also makes you spark a conversation with your male friends. That’s what’s needed now. Ridiculous, I know, that men won’t listen to women, on the issue of women’s safety, but they will listen to other men. Sigh. 

If you are one of the “good guys” - there are things you can do routinely, to make us feel safer, more comfortable :

- if you’re walking behind someone else at night, cross the road, give that person space. If it’s a woman this will make her feel safer. 

- if you are aware you’re walking behind  woman, pull your hood down if you’re wearing one. Being recognisable makes us feel that you’re less likely to do anything we might need to recognise you for, later.

- don’t speed up to get past us faster. That simply takes the situation from “there’s a man behind me, and he’s catching me up” to “there’s a man behind me, and it sounds like he’s chasing me”. If you’re naturally gaining on us, maintain that pace, and cross over. If you’re simply keeping pace, drop back a little.

- if you do need to pass us on the same side of the road, consider how we might feel safest. Try not to trap us between a building and you, and of we’re clearly following the pools of light from street lamps, respect that’s what we need to do. 

- if you’re standing with a group of mates, maybe having a smoke or a vape outside a pub, don’t split into two groups to force us to walk between you, instead move back to the wall or fence behind you - let us have the clear space to take as much room as we want to pass. 

- if you decide to approach a woman in a pub, or bar, read the body language. If she’s uncommunicative, or monosyllabic, that probably means she isn’t interested in your attention. If she responds to your overtures with “no” - or anything approaching that, this is a rejection - not an invitation to negotiate. Retain your dignity, say “nice meeting you” and walk away. 

We KNOW it’s “Not All Men” - we KNOW it’s a small minority that deliberately make women uncomfortable, and an even smaller number that are actively aggressive or violent towards us. The problem is, those men don’t carry that information around on neon signs over their heads, so we have no way of knowing whether you’re one of them, or not.  This means you’re all a threat. However, consider this - if you are a man who has ever walked down a road, at night, behind a woman, without even considering that she is petrified wondering whether that is going to be the moment that her luck will run out, then you HAVE- even without meaning to - been guilty of frightening a woman. It’s time to take responsibility for that, listen to the women in your life, learn from what they have to say, and then take up the cudgels on their behalf. 

Robyn

** During the time I was writing this it has been confirmed that the Police Officer arrested for her abduction and murder has now been charged with those offences. **